TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for historic culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally from spot. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let us have Yet another location where by American Gentlemen can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: offer you everyone a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he need to end working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the project, replied, "You already know, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Room, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not simply hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Complicated Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by company may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Endlessly."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting focus from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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